Falling Into Your Sunlight
by DarkPrincess128
Summary: Last night, Kendall Knight's father died. While James is comforting him, he realizes something shocking. KendallxJames.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, the songs used, or anything else you may recognize in this story.**

**A/N: This is my first BTR fanfic. I basically fell in love with the show and it was but a matter of time before I wrote something about it. I worked insanely hard on this story (arguably the hardest I've ever worked on a fanfiction). It's a songfic, and the song used is Trading Yesterday – Shattered (the song later used in dialogue is Jason Mraz – Life is Wonderful). I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed the hours I spent writing/editing it.**

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding_

_Fall into your sunlight_

The words were Novocain at first. It was impossible to believe even when seen. The way his eyes stared at him, blank, clouded. The news was beyond unexpected. How could someone so full of life one day be completely deprived of it the next? The words pierced the air like lightning bolts.

Last night, Kendall Knight's father died.

So did Kendall. Perhaps it was the way he was, but every person he had a relationship with held a piece of himself. It was like that with Logan, Carlos, and James, just as well as his mom, Katie, and his dad. It was different with each of them, of course. He didn't love his friends like his sister, his sister like his mom, his mom like his dad. Like most teenage boys, there was something about his relationship with his dad that stood for something otherworldly. With his dad's passing came the loss of a large part of himself. Someone had come up to him in that hospital room, reached in for his heart and tore it out of his chest with no mercy. It may have been Death. It may have been God. But whoever it was, with his father's soul, they held a part of Kendall's, too.

It was seven o'clock at night when the remaining members of the Knight family went home. Katie was scared. Mrs. Knight was sobbing. Kendall was still too shocked to change his facial expression.

It was on the way home from the hospital that it finally hit him. His father was dead. All the times they played catch, all the stupid jokes and hockey games…none of them would ever occur again. All the laughs and smiles they shared would only be memories. All he had left were memories, because he was never coming back. He was gone.

When the car ride was over, Kendall ran into his house before Katie and his mom even got out of the car. He threw open the door, unlocked from the earlier haste of leaving for the hospital, and sprinted to his room, slamming the door shut. He locked it, jamming a chair under the knob, and finally cried.

The sensation of crying was some undefinable emotion between relief and desperation, intertwining with need. It was this need that pushed him to shakily pull out his cell phone that had been lying dormant in his coat pocket, hold down the one, and bring it to his ear.

"Hey, Kendall," the familiar voice said. James Diamond had been Kendall's best friend since God knows when (Kendall knew when – the first day of first grade when Kendall told him he looked like a girl and got punched in the arm for it). James' life was easily worse than Kendall's – an abusive father and a mostly absent mother was what consisted of his home life. James spent many weekends at the Knight home and he and Kendall had survived a lot together. Going into their sophomore year of high school and wrapping up their freshman year, he knew there were many more challenges to come. They were both strong, but made stronger when they were together.

"James," Kendall tried to say coherently, but his voice cracked on the first vowel. "I-I need…"

"Kendall? Kendall, what's wrong?"

He wondered for a millisecond if calling was a mistake, but he was perfectly aware it wasn't. He took a deep breath and steadied his voice enough to speak the one sentence he needed. "My dad just died." It was barely above a whisper.

"What! Kendall, I'm coming over," James said and before Kendall could reply, the line was dead.

Still shaking, Kendall slid the phone in his back pocket and walked carefully over to open the window where he knew James would come in. They knew by now coming through the door was a waste of time. Mrs. Knight (and earlier his father, which was a thought that made Kendall choke on air) wouldn't mind. When he went over to James' house, he went through his window as well. It was just more convenient.

Kendall sat on his bed and stared at nothing. The thought of James coming over was beyond comforting. There was something about James' presence that was calming, even when he was mad. He was everything that Kendall wasn't – beauty, humor, innocence. Likewise, Kendall was everything James wasn't – leadership, sophistication, maturity. Like two puzzle pieces, they meshed together perfectly. It was what made them such terrific friends. James was a ray of sunlight in Kendall's life, and Kendall was a ray of sunlight in James'.

_The future's open wide, beyond believing_

_To know why, hope dies_

James came crawling through the window less than four minutes later (not that Kendall was counting) like Kendall knew he would. Kendall stood rigidly, staring at him but a moment before James came up and embraced him in a strong hug. He hugged back.

"I'm sorry," James whispered.

They broke apart and Kendall nodded.

They took seats, legs crisscrossed, on Kendall's bed. For the next few minutes, they talked about the facts, the easy things – the story revolving around the death of his father. It was a car crash, and if Kendall was honest with himself, he'd know his dad didn't have a chance after seeing what the car looked like. They then talked about the hospital, and Kendall told about his emotional shock on the car ride home.

"I can't believe…he was there for sixteen years of my life and he won't see what I do with myself."

"Kendall, he'll be watching."

He smiled at the thought. "I doubt he's missing much, anyway. I really don't know what I'm gonna do with my life." The future was a fickle thing, and not something Kendall wanted to think about anymore. The future never promises anything for real. His dad promised him things – that he'd see the day his only son got married, that he'd practice hockey with him every day until he went to college. And now he wasn't here to keep those promises.

James turned to him. "I thought you wanted to play for the Minnesota Wild."

"Not realistically."

"Well," James smiled, stretching his legs across the bed. "When I become famous, you can move with me to LA. Be my manager or something."

"Gee, what an honor," Kendall laughed, playfully pushing him. James could always make light humor in any situation. He had gotten Kendall's mind off of his grief for a moment. "If we talk about it, we could jinx it, you know," he joked, as James was always the superstitious one.

"Man you're right!" they laughed. Kendall felt good – better. Everything was better with sunlight around.

_Losing what was found, a world so hollow_

_Suspended in a compromise_

_The silence of this sound is soon to follow_

_Somehow, sundown_

Kendall should've known the lightened mood from their silly humor wouldn't have lasted long. They avoided the topic of his dad for a moment – the tone of the conversation alleviated the tension of the entire room. It was the sort of thing that made James the perfect companion – the perfect friend.

Something must have struck a nerve when James mentioned how they needed to do some more hockey training before the season ended. Perhaps it was that he remembered the times he practiced hockey with his dad because, without any warning, Kendall nearly doubled over and started sobbing again, albeit quietly.

James wrapped his arms around him in a sideways hug that would be considered awkward or queer by many people, but was actually completely normal for them. It was just the way they were.

"Shhh," he soothed. "It's okay."

Though the familiarness of James' voice was calming in its own way, Kendall still continued to sob, though shrinking in James' embrace. It felt like the world was crashing down on him.

Just when Kendall thought he was going to explode from the overload of emotion, the same soothing voice began singing.

"It takes a crane to build a crane…"

Kendall couldn't help but smile as a shiver ran down his spine. James' singing voice was flawless and was able to comfort and calm him a considerable amount.

"It takes an egg to make a hen, it takes a hen to make an egg, there is no end to what I'm saying…"

While James was singing the song that was proving to be the epitome of irony (or maybe that was the point) (or perhaps James was trying to be uplifting; Kendall didn't quite know), Kendall was able to look at the clock. It was late and he knew perfectly well James should get home before his dad noticed. And the aftermath of such a thing might be disastrous. The thought made Kendall want to cry again – the last thing he wanted was for James to leave, to wallow in his grief and sadness alone. And for the beautiful sound of James' singing to stop.

"Ah la la la, life is wonderful…"

When James started singing the next verse, Kendall could feel himself forgetting everything besides his voice and the lyrics to the song. It was a part of James' gift, he knew – to make him completely forget everything. The perfect friend.

"And it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is…"

As soon as the words came out of James' mouth, Kendall sat straight up, breaking away from his embrace very abruptly.

_And finding answers is forgetting all the questions we call home_

_Passing the graves of the unknown_

James looked at Kendall, confused. "What's wrong?"

Kendall looked back. _It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is_. The lines repeated themselves in Kendall's mind like a broken record and suddenly he was flying through time – the entire history of his friendship with James. From the first words spoken to their first hockey practice together, their first sleepover, the first time James came to Kendall crying about his dad beating him – the comfort he provided then. Sometimes Logan and Carlos appeared in the memories, but it was seldom. It was a plethora of events that were so vivid, each one crystal clear in Kendall's memory. And he suddenly realized that that piece of himself he gives to each person he has a relationship with was so much larger for James.

It was why they meshed together so perfectly.

It takes no time to fall in love…

"…Kendall?"

With no warning, his heart started racing with an impulse, a craving that shot itself out from the hidden recesses of his heart into every identifiable (and unidentifiable) part of himself. It was such a betrayal of his mind (because he was sure that if he had given it more thought, he wouldn't have had the urge at all). But, on this sudden impulse, he leaned across the bed, putting his hands on James' knees.

And he kissed him.

James' must've been expecting it (which was just as well, considering Kendall had given him several seconds of warning time) because he fully kissed back. It was sweet – not driven by hormones or lust but love. Pure, unadulterated love and Kendall had never felt more at peace in his life. His sky was filled with fireworks, his stage filled with lights, his ocean filled with waves. He could feel the Earth move. Their lips worked together perfectly. It was like this one intimate moment made up for years of tension between them. There was nothing in the world that could be better or more important than this.

_As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading_

_Illusions of the sunlight_

They broke apart after what was probably minutes (but seemed like beautiful eternities to the both of them) and looked at each other, both smiling shyly. After several minutes of long but unawkward and thoughtful silence, James spoke first.

"Kendall?" 

His heart raced and he hesitated before speaking. "Yeah?" he said, though he knew perfectly well what the next question was going to be.

"What was that for?"

Kendall leaned back against the wall his bed was up against, rubbing his hands nervously on his knees, debating what to say. Because he didn't know the answer to that question.

Then suddenly, the reality of what had just happened set in. He kissed his best friend and liked it. Loved it. He wanted more, more of James, because they had kissed. The entire world had just opened up before him.

And it was a huge problem.

He wasn't sure if he needed the contact because he was sucked up in grief or because he's actually in love with his best friend. His mind was a broken sentiment and trying to think clearly was difficult. For all he knew, he could've just needed human contact to subconsciously tell himself he was not alone. It was impossible to tell if he loved James like that when his mind was in an apocalypse.

And James was his best friend. If he wanted more, it would irrevocably ruin everything their friendship had ever established. It would ruin their friendship. All the sleepovers and inside jokes and secret schemes – all to waste.

Some part of Kendall was sure what he was secretly feeling was true, that he loved James as more than a friend. That the real reason they kissed was because they were meant to and it was all they ever needed. James had seemed just as willing – like he wanted it just as badly.

But Kendall couldn't trust himself. Not in this state of mind.

_And a reflection of a lie will keep me waiting_

_With love gone for so long_

"Kendall?" James' voice rang through the dark room again. Kendall returned to the present, becoming subconsciously aware that it was raining. He realized he had yet to answer James' question.

"I think I'm in love with you," Kendall finally said tightly. He looked over to James' face and didn't expect what he saw – he was beaming. It was as if that one sentence had just changed his entire outlook on life and he was looking at Kendall like he was the best thing in the world. It killed Kendall. "But…I can't do anything about it."

James' beaming face turned to one of confusion. "Of course you can do something about it. Kendall, I love you too."

Kendall's heart exploded. "But I don't know for sure if I love you or not! I can't be sure when my dad just died and my mind is messed up and I just kissed you! I don't know if I did it because I really do love you or because I'm sad! I can't…" he choked up. "I can't love you. We're best friends and I'm messed up in the head and I can't love you…" He felt like dying. He felt like crying. He couldn't even go to James for comfort because James was the reason he needed it. He was out of options.

He took a deep, steadying breath. "I'm sorry," he said dryly.

James looked away, and Kendall had never felt like more of a horrible person in his life. He thought he'd get up and leave, but instead he turned to him. He looked straight into Kendall's eyes and said strongly, "I'm not."

"You…you're not mad at me? You don't hate me?"

"I could never hate you. You know that. I just said I love you," Kendall winced, but he wasn't quite sure what it was directed towards. "I see…what you mean. It makes sense. But I know now that I love you. And I'm not going to lie about it."

Kendall closed his eyes and wished all the pain would just go away. Wished he could know the answer to everything, to the questions plaguing him. So he could stop hurting James and stop grieving over his dad and live. Because all he wanted to do was say something to James that would make it all better. But he couldn't trust himself to say anything.

_And this day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know_

_Knowing that faith is all I hold_

James went home when he looked at the alarm clock next to Kendall's bed and realized it was 11 o'clock. Although he didn't have a curfew, James' dad was always angry when he was out too late. So he went home with a few more words to Kendall. They didn't touch. Kendall didn't even look up. He mumbled a good-bye, not even a thank you, and James left.

The feeling of emptiness Kendall got when James left was completely deserved, he knew. It was like he had used his best friend for his own purpose, then thrown him away – which he knew wasn't exactly what happened, but it may as well have been.

The past five or six hours had been so much that Kendall wasn't sure if any amount of time had been so eventful in his life. His dad had just died, and now he may be in love with his best friend. There was something messed up about how those two things even correlated.

Kendall listened to the rain hitting the window out of which James had just left (and he was therefore was probably soaked now). He tried to sleep but sleep kept eluding him. His mind was on too many things and he couldn't stay focused on any of them. It was an understatement to say he was a mess.

He had just hurt his best friend. His dad was dead. He was alone and confused and tired and depressed and a mess.

What hurt the most was knowing, besides how badly he had just hurt James, that he had no one to talk to about this. His only other option would have been his dad – he would've understood, accepted him. He would've helped him. But now, he was alone. No one else would accept or understand this problem – his mom, Logan, Carlos. James would – and James was, of course, out of the question.

_And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand_

_Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love_

Kendall got up from his bed and went to his mirror to look at himself. His entire face was swollen and red from tears, his eyes stained with sadness and grief and lost hope. Not only was his mind a mess, but apparently, so was his appearance. For some reason, looking at himself in the mirror allowed him to think more clearly and logically.

How much time could he allot himself to cry over his dad? Life had to go on sometime. It wasn't going to be easy – Kendall knew that. The part of his soul that rested with his father wouldn't come back. The idea that it could would be false hope and Kendall couldn't let himself believe something he knew in his heart wasn't true.

The other thing he forced himself to remember was that it was okay to cry, but he couldn't in front of Katie or his mom. He needed to be strong for them. He was the man of the house now. Someone had to be the strong one. He was going to make his father proud.

His thinking through things made him feel a bit better until he remembered a certain person's tan skin, brown locks, and thousand-watt smile. This image was immediately replaced by said person's incredibly hurt face as he crawled through Kendall's window…

Kendall shook the thought away and repeated to himself the exact things he told James, told himself, just earlier. 'It won't work. It can't work. He's my best friend. I'm messed up. I'm stressed out. I can't love him. I can't be sure…"

_Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on_

_And I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning_

Kendall was still staring at himself in the mirror as he repeated these things to himself. When everything he was thinking became blurry from repetition, he started saying them quietly out loud.

"I can't love him. It couldn't work. He's my best friend. I can't love him. I can't…"

After the second time of repeating this set of unconvincing excuses, they became just words. They had no real meaning anymore. Kendall stopped saying them long enough to stare at himself in the mirror – glare, really. He glared long and hard at his reflection and finally entertained the question he had been avoiding for eleven years.

_Why can't I love him?_

The set of excuses he had been telling himself popped up, running through his mind, but Kendall quickly pushed them aside. More discouraging thoughts rushed around his brain. Eventually, he asked himself the question again, out loud.

"Why can't I love him?"

For a millisecond, his mind was completely blank. Every thought pestering his mind, every problem, every lie, disappeared. Then, just as quickly as it came, it left and Kendall's mind went in a million directions. The blankness of his mind suddenly defined everything, making everything clearer than it had been his entire life.

Because the blankness meant there was no reason.

It was James he called when he fell off his swing in the second grade and scraped his knee. It was James he called when he failed his first test in the fifth grade. It was James he called when he first got yelled at and grounded when they were 13. It was James he called when his first girlfriend broke up with him when they were in the eighth grade.

It was James he called when his dad died.

It was James. It was always James.

It has always been James.

_Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart_

_Let me go and I will run; I will not be silent_

The next thing he knew, Kendall was leaping out the window and had broken out into a run. It was still pouring rain, but harder now. It felt like someone was pouring buckets of water on him as he ran through the dark, slippery streets and the mud and wet grass of his neighbors's yards, lit only by dim streetlights. It was cold and he was wet, but it wasn't going to stop him. Not tonight.

With every step he ran towards James' house, he felt each and every inhibition leaving him. All reason was departing as he thought about the kiss they shared, how that felt. How this was real, and how sure of it he was now. The world was no longer a place to hide – it was a place to love, to live. He was doing both now. Kendall wasn't going to hide behind a wall and pretend he didn't love James. He did, and James was going to know that. All the excuses, the lifeless words he was telling himself earlier to try to forget the feelings, all washed away with the rain. He was alive. This was real. All the problems at home let him go, and he would tell James the truth.

His heart ached. He wanted James more than anything he had ever wanted in his life. James was the start of everything. James was home. And Kendall wanted to be home.

The part of Kendall that his father held couldn't be replaced, but he knew James could help with that. James' heart had many parts of Kendall's, too. He gave him half of it when they met eleven years ago. With James, everything could be right in the world. Because James was everything that was right with the world.

Kendall wasn't sure how long it took him to get to James' house. His bedroom light was off, but he assumed he'd still be awake. Kendall had been. He finished the run up to his window and tapped lightly with his knuckles.

_All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain_

_All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over_

_There's a light, there's a sun, taking all shattered ones to a place we belong_

_And his love will conquer all_

Kendall watched as James came up to the window anxiously, watched as his face went from one of confusion to something that reflected shock and more confusion as he realized it was Kendall waiting outside. He watched as James unbolted the window and threw it open as if Kendall was some guy holding a giant million-dollar check with news that he had just won the lottery.

"Kendall! What are you doing!" James whispered harshly. "It's two in the morning! You're soaking wet! It's freezing outside!"

"James." Kendall stepped closer to the window. It was obvious he had been crying. His face was in the same state as Kendall's was when he looked at himself for the first time in the mirror: red, swollen, sad. He hadn't changed clothes since he left Kendall's house. He seemed quite awake, and he couldn't tell if that was because of Kendall's sudden appearance or because he simply hadn't gone to bed yet. It was surprising how well he could hear him, considering how hard it was raining.

"Do you know what my dad will do to you if he hears you?"

"Yes. And I don't care," Kendall said. _This must be how Romeo and Juliet felt_, he mused. "James."

"What are you doing here?" He resigned his attempts at making him leave and asked the obvious question.

"I was an idiot," he began. James opened his mouth to speak but Kendall cut him off. "No, listen to me. I've known you since the first grade. We've been through everything together. You've helped me through all the hard times in my life, and earlier today, I realized that you are the only one I could ever truly trust with things, besides my father. You were the first one I called whenever I needed help with something. I realized that, when you were singing to me, all of a sudden. It was like our friendship danced before my eyes and I knew I had been lying to myself for eleven years. I can't believe I danced around the issue for the entire time. Because, seriously? I've been in love with you for God knows how long. And I don't think I've ever wanted something this badly."

James had a small smile tugging on his lips and he was leaning against the windowsill. It was silent a moment before he spoke, and his voice was still a whisper. Kendall wondered if he was trying to be quiet for his dad, or because he was frightened by something. "Are you sure it's not just because you're trying to get over your father? Like you thought?"

Kendall wouldn't break his stare with James if it killed him. "I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I love you. And I'm not afraid to say it now. I know I need to be strong for my family. I know it's gonna take a while to accept that my dad's gone. But…that has nothing to do with you. You've helped me through so much and it's not done with yet. I need you. I love you."

Kendall slipped a wet hand through the open window to clasp James', intertwining their fingers. Sparks flew. James looked at their hands, then at Kendall's face again. His eyes reflected every word he had said in his monologue – love, sadness, need. They were both shaking, and it wasn't from the cold.

James withdrew his hand to begin climbing out the window. Kendall backed up to let him. It was like watching a movie in slow motion. When James was finally outside, he walked up to where Kendall was standing. In those few seconds of being outside, he was already soaked with rain. The two stood in front of each other for several moments, just gazing into each other's eyes, ignoring the rain that poured so hard. James timidly moved a hand to the back of Kendall's head, still not breaking the gaze. Kendall copied this movement.

They pushed each other's lips together, and no action had ever expressed so much feeling before.

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding_

_Fall into your sunlight_

**A/N: And so ends my first BTR fanfic…Please tell me how I did on this. (I'm basically begging you.) I've never written anything remotely close to this style and I want to know if I rushed into things, or if I actually did well. Thank you for reading, and reviews are love!**


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